Deprivation Can Do Strange Things

November in San Francisco is not exactly a month that lends itself to torrid sexual expression, so imagine my surprise to see this potboiler prose in today's Chronicle.

It's amazing how shabby your living room suddenly looks after you take the latest PlayStation console out of the box. The PlayStation 3 is all sleek lines and chrome accents, like a Sub-Zero refrigerator and a Porsche 911 had a wild weekend of sex -- ending up with an 11-pound, 20-gigabyte love child.

Um....all right. Things like that happen when you spend 48 hours in line to get something and a week playing it. Understandable.

But things get better (or worse) on the next page:

I have right here in my hot little hands that actually aren't all that little and are only slightly warm at the moment a brand new lick-ready smooth-as-love Apple MacBook Pro Core 2 Duo Super Orgasm Deluxe Ultrahard Modern Computing Device Designed by God Herself Somewhere in the Deep Moist Vulva of Cupertino Yes Yes Don't Stop Oh My God Yes.

HOO-kay.....back away slowly....don't make eye contact.....and for God's sake don't drop the soap....