Roy Simmons....We Need to Have a Talk

OK, Roy....remember what I said last week? You know, the part about, "Choose what you think is important, rather than what others tell you is"?

This isn't it.

Look, there are a few rules in life. Don't tug on Superman's cape, don't spit into the wind, and don't go marching into the NFL office three days before the Super Bowl asking for press credentials, two tickets, and a party and expect to get them. You played in the NFL; you should know what a zoo those kind of requests are before a regular game, much less The Big One.

Now, Roy, one of the things you should have learned in your past is to spot a hustler or someone who's just looking to use you. Your lesson for today is that they sometimes dress in high heels and wear expensive suits, because buddy, one's sure as heck got her claws in you.

In a letter addressed to NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue, (Simmons's lawyer Gloria) Allred listed questions she said the NFL should answer, including whether Simmons' request was denied because he no longer fit the image of an NFL player or whether the NFL "is inherently homophobic and prefers that a gay football player remain in the closet."

Right, Ms. Allred. And when did you stop doing cocaine? Or is no one else allowed to ask leading questions?

Now, Roy, I know you're not exactly heavy into the gay dating scene. But should you ever decide to come back, know that there are plenty of people out there who will listen to you sympathetically, agree that it's a travesty, tell you how you should discuss this over dinner, stick you with the bill, and then dump you when they figure out you're not a Platinum cardholder. They're called "jerks".

You can get some early practice for handling them by dealing with Gloria.