Saturday, November 05, 2005

Can You Live Another Day Without This Product?

One of the neater features that Blog Ally Malcontent offers on his estimable cyberhome is video capture -- which of course, he only uses for informational purposes. (grin)

Yesterday, he posted a hilarious capture of a feature Comedy Central's The Daily Show did this week concerning the effects of gay marriage in Massachusetts -- and featuring (drum roll)..... The Homometer!

Being the clever and innovative (and greedy) fellow that I am, I saw this and thought....hey, what a marketing opportunity! This is truly a product that has widespread commercial appeal. Imagine the advertisements.......

Take one, Market #1, "The 700 Club" commercial

Motherly woman sitting on couch, looking into camera....melancholy piano music playing in background

I remember it as if it happened yesterday.

(camera cuts to scene of house, dark, bedroom)

I woke up knowing something wasn't right.....and then I saw it. My husband.....watching Late Night with Conan O' Brian and licking the screen....moaning and squealing like he hadn't done since our first night in the Buick after youth Bible study.

I ran down the hallway....and saw terrifying daughter combing the hair of her Dyke on Bike Barbie, getting her all ready for her date with Strap-On son struggling into his new off-the-shoulder number and Jimmy Choos for his midnight was horrible. I looked down.....saw my flannel shirt....the wrench in my right hand....and before I knew it, I was heading for the phone to call the Subaru dealer.

(back to couch, woman with family)

We could have been banished to hell that night. Thank Jesus the All-Night Missionary Madness was going on down the street at Mount Holy Olive Second Zion Macadamia Jubilation Reformed Underwater Stock Option Baptist Church....they saw our disco ball and stopped to help. It turned out that lavender from a gay couple who had stopped at our neighbors' to ask directions had leaked into our house....and nearly taken our family's souls. (she shudders)

Since that night, we've never gone anywhere without The Homometer. Its high sensitivity to homosexual fumes and radiation help keep my family safe from random or long-term exposure. It's so easy to use -- just turn it on and read the Homeland Security GLBT Threat Warning color code on the right. In just seconds you'll know whether you're living in Zion....or in Sodom and Gomorrah. And now, it even comes in a monogrammed version, with everyone's favorite verses from Leviticus engraved on its durable Lucite case, made with only the finest blessed virgin plastic.

Don't let your family go another day without protection. Call now and get the peace of mind that only The Homometer can bring!

Cut! That's a wrap!

And that's just ONE market, folks. Think of the others....swingers looking for a foolproof "best party" finder.....single women wanting to check whether that new guy who sobs over old movies is just sensitive or not trying.....people concerned about the quality of their hairdresser/fashion designer/interior decorator....even the gaydar-impaired who are forever wondering if he's inviting them in -- or just scratching his butt. I'm telling you, this is the next iPod!

Venture capitalists.....I know you're out there......

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