In other words, we're talking adult topics, and I don't mean mortgages and 401(k) plans (although those can be pretty dirty too).
Anyway, with that warning done, we now return you to your irregularly-scheduled diatribe.
With the addition of young, handsome, and virile QuakerJono of Forgotten Beatitudes to a certain....um, pleasure-oriented....portion of the Interwebs, the question has arisen in numerous forums.....what, exactly, is a bear?
I have pondered for several days on this one, having previously been working under a definition similar to that of Justice Potter Stewart's opinion on what constituted pornography: "I know it when I see it." But, given that you aren't me (a fact for which you should probably be extremely grateful), that probably needs to be fleshed out significantly (as befits a bear) for public consumption.
With that in mind, I have settled on the following -- sort of like if the Minnesota Multiphasic Behavioral Inventory and Jeff Foxworthy banged naughty bits and produced a love child.
YOU MIGHT BE A BEAR IF:
- "Wax" has two meanings - a noun indicating the stuff candles are made of, and a verb indicating what you should do to your car twice a year.
- You shop at Old Navy, and you don't care who knows it.
- "All you can eat" is a challenge, not a description
- You won't answer the phone on Saturdays because it's people asking you to help them move
- You tried a cosmopolitan once, but that was just to find out what Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha were talking about.
- In shopping for furniture, "comfort" takes precedence over "matches the wainscotting".
- Your drag act is a tribute to Nell Carter, Ethel Merman, or Kirstie Alley pre-Jenny Craig.
YOU ARE EMPHATICALLY NOT A BEAR IF:
- You know what color the rash is when you overdo the Nair.
- "Mercedes" is German for "would make a good boyfriend"
- Flannel is fit neither for wearing or sleeping upon.
- Your coffee order includes more than "sweetened" or "room for cream".
- You might have been able to change your own flat tire, but why take the risk of making the manicurist cry?
- "Beer bust" describes, not an event, but what you think of the beverage in question.
- You couldn't find your last date when you came back from the bathroom because he was standing behind a lamppost.